paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
