How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
