They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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