If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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