dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
