Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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