he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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