dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
