I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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