I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
