He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
