First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
