hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
