If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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