A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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