I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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