Soap is not a condiment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
