i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
where are you?
Hypothermia
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
