I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
