At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i now understand why vodka
We are all done wearing pants today
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
