Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
why do cheetos always look like penises
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
