did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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