i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You smell like stripper and shame
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
