everyone is single if you try hard enough
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
