I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
