I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
