My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
