I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just invented taco cereal.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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