Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
