Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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