Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
