How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
