every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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