your room smells of hookers.
And success
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
