Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
