guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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