I love black thongs
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
