It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
