level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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