between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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