OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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