remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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