Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
