Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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