Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
