I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
