I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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