My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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