I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
