You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
