My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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